I have sailed the world, beheld its wonders From the Dardanelles to the mountains of Peru But there's no place like London I feel home again I could hear the city bells ring, whatever I would do No, there's no place like London Mr. Todd, sir! You are young, life has been kind to you You will learn So, Anthony, it's here we go our separate ways. Farewell. I shall not soon forget the good ship Bountiful, or the young man who saved my life. Arms, arms for a miserable woman On a miserable chilly morning Oh, thank you, sir. Thank you. How would you like a little muff, dear? A little jig-jig, a little bounce around the bush Wouldn't you like to push me, parsley? He looks to me, dear, like you've got plenty there to push Arms, arms for a pitiful woman What's got wandering wits? Hey, don't I know you, mister? Off with you, woman. Off I said. Leave! Then how would you like to split me muff, mister? We'll go jig-jig and- Off I said, and I'm done with you! Arms, arms for a pitiful woman Pardon me, sir. But there's no need to fear the likes of her. She's only a half-crazed beggar woman. London's full of them. Mr. Todd, sir. What is it? If you need any help or money or- No! There's a hole in the world like a great black pit And the vermin of the world inhabit it And its morals aren't worth what a pig could spit And it goes by the name of London At the top of the hole sit a privileged few Making mock of the vermin in the lower zoo Turning beauty into filth and greed I, too, have sailed the world and seen its wonders For the cruelty of men is as wondrous as Peru But there's no place like London There was a barber and his wife And she was beautiful A foolish barber and his wife She was his reason and his life And she was beautiful And she was virtuous And he was naive There was another man who saw That she was beautiful A pious vulture of the law Who with the gesture of his claw Removed the barber from his plate Then there was nothing but to wait And she would fall So soft, so young, so lost And oh, so beautiful And the lady, sir, did she succumb? Oh, that was many years ago I doubt if anyone would know Now, Antony, leave me, I beg of you There's somewhere I must go Something I must find out Now And alone But surely we will meet again before I'm off to Plymouth Oh, you'll find me if you want to Down around Fleet Street, I wouldn't wonder Until then, Mr. Todd There's a hole in the world like a great black pit And it's filled with people who are filled with * And the vermin of the world inhabit it